APRIL 2021 WORRIES LESSONS ?S
this is a big one. how did i not think of this until now? ever since the experience, i have had a lurking, sometimes overwhelming sense of anxiety and dread. i quite literally feel a weight in my chest. it is not “painful” but it is uncomfortable. i don’t know how to get rid of it. i went to therapy / conseling a few years back but that never really seemed to help this too much. the weight was always there. i realized i never really have “good days.” maybe thats less true now, i do enjoy class for the most part, and spending time with lin when possible is always my favorite. we have good days. but i can’t rely on other people for my own happiness. this was supposed to be about anxiety. nothing really makes me anxious. i just am. constantly living in that state. the reason i bring this up is because, as far as i can remember, i never really struggled with anxiety before my experience. so surely they are related, connected. the fact that it’s always there is frustrating. can i get a break? please? no? well okay. i’ll be fine. i feel kind of used to it now. i would like to find ways to ease this weight. get it off my chest, as they say. maybe if i can find some routine, some exercise, or some practice to do at the start of each day, that will help. i just worry it won’t last. even if i feel better in the morning, the weight always comes back. i feel like i would have to live some sort of “perfect” life in order to not feel this way. confusing.
note: like i mentioned before, the future is definitely making me anxious right now. letting people down also makes me anxious. and the fact that people tend to think highly of me, when i don’t think very highly of myself. what do they see in me that i don’t? i probably hide a lot of my flaws, but i guess this website is the opposite of that.
note 2: even if whatever i try doesn’t last forever, feeling better for a small part of the day is better than feeling bad all day, right? i should try to remember that there is hope, and progress.