why didn’t they help me?  did i not reach out? i assumed i appeared tormented... candle lit. smoke blows. the air was foggy. there was four people. wait, one, two, three, four, yeah, there was four people. one of my best friends, i saved her once, why didn’t she try save me? man, being a teenager is a mess. [redacted].
    her older sister was distant, i dont remember much about her, but we looked up to her. i dont get it. even then, i shouldn’t have trusted her.. not that is was their fault, i made a mistake. i said yes, could they have helped? maybe. but it is my fault. well, my brain’s fault. i was unprepared. i dont feel like im getting much here. lets kep moving.
    the last person was an older guy. not that much older, but compared to me he was older. in college probably. [redacted]. i do kinda hate him. [redacted]. he was just a typical douchebag to be fair. nothing wrong with him, he was just kinda dumb. at the time i viewed him as evil. i wonder if that’s one of my problems now. always waiting for help. always waiting for someone to save me. hence, the freeze response.
    i can’t rely on others forever, you know. it’s just - when asking for help, it has to be appropriate. thats the problem though. i never reach out, i just wait for it come. like someone stranded at sea or on an island. you don’t expect help, so you don’t reach out, even though you desperately desperately need it.

- Will

    note: looking back, these sentences seems so needy. the people i was with were just trying to have a good time, they didn’t expect my response to be what it was.
    note 2: trying to write constantly without thinking is quite the challenge. i definitely had these moments sometimes, where i wasn’t sure what to write next. if i did this again, i think that’s something to improve on. practice makes perfect, as they say.