APRIL 2021 WORRIES LESSONS ?S
no sleep last night. awake. tossing and turning. listening to everything. in my head. i can’t help it. it’s always there. i dont like being alone. this will come back later. but i don’t like being alone. theres always too many thoughts. i need something in the background. noise. it distracts me from my own thoughts. this is very rambly today. that’s why i try to avoid sleep. well, not sleep, but the act of falling asleep. hypnagogia. falling asleep means i have to spend ten to thirty minutes with my own thoughts, nothing to distract me. sometimes i listen to podcasts. it helps. not last night though.
i have rarely stayed up late. oops. i have rarely had a healthy sleep schedule. i think i take after my mother. she’s a night owl. always working til one, two, three in the morning. i don’t know how she does it. this was supposed to be about my bad trip.
i remember when i came home that night. it was 4 am. when you’re on acid you can’t sleep. i lied to my parents about where i had been. i couldn’t find my house key so i had to open the garage door, waking my dad up. i scurried into the basement, knowing i couldn’t go upstairs to my room. i’d have to face him in whatever fucked up state i was in. i got to the couch, covered myself in a blanket, and laid there. i don’t remember what i thought about that night. that’s probably a good thing. i do remember my dad opening the basement door, asking if i was down there. i laid still, quiet and scared. i didn’t want him to find me. thankfully he assumed he had just been hearing things and went back to bed.
i’m thinking too much. how did that moment make me feel? ashamed. scared. nervous. disappointing.
note: “I often feel as if someone has forced their way into the home of my mind. I have no power over this invader, even though I am the original tenant. The invader ignores my pleas to stop the ruckus, and I can’t evict the son of a b-tch.” -V.T., Represent Magazine
note 2: Sleep With Me is a podcast that, as the name suggests, helps me sleep. Here’s a little about the show: “Created in 2013, Sleep With Me combines the pain of insomnia with the relief of laughing and turns it into a unique storytelling podcast. Drew's stories on the show are inspired by his childhood as the oldest of six children and past jobs as a fuzzy dice and iron-on patch salesperson, fruit fly monitor for the State of California, and librarian for one of the largest jails in the country. Through Sleep With Me, Drew has dedicated himself to help those who feel alone in the deep dark night and just need someone to tell them a bedtime story.” - Drew Ackerman, host