i am reminded of the first time i got high. with my best friends. what a day. i love them, and i’ll always love that night. one of the funniest evenings of my life. the other evening, on the other hand, was one of my worst nightmares. man, contrast.
    i still wish i could still do it. a good way to connect with people. we used to discuss it as an excuse to see each other and just talk. i miss that. just talking. we always need an excuse now. drifting apart, but still close. still drifting though. but thats how it goes. how can i be closer with them? i miss them. even though we talk all the time. i guess the pandemic doesn’t help. ugh. but back to the problem at hand. i can’t enjoy it anymore.
    all it brings is flashbacks, of anxiety, paranoia, fear. when i smoke, everyone knows my deepest darkest secrets. even my best friends. it’s the worst feeling it the world. and i guess thats why i avoid it now. it is truly, as they say, a trigger. but the things i love about it, the excuse to talk to my friends, still exists, in other ways, shapes, and forms. and on the bright side, out of all the things to be triggered by, i suppose a recreational drug that can easily be avoided is a pretty good choice of a trigger. imagine if i was triggered simply by people, or shitty tapestries, or cramped living rooms, or late night drives on the highway, or garage doors, or sex, or relationships. weed is the best option, right? i can’t complain really.

- Will

    note: going back to freezing, as i think that’s one of my worst habits (or symptoms), i must have other triggers too. general stress and axiety tends to leave me paralyzed. i go into like a shell or something, unable to be productive. recently, this general stressor has been the future. what will i do after i graduate? i’ll have to move out, find a job, be a real adult. none of my internships seem to ever work, so that doesn’t help either.